How to Spot a Bad Restaurant
August 12th 2008 02:00
The restaurant has old road signs, American number plates, autographed sports jerseys, a stuffed crocodile or a petrol pump as dining room décor
“Yes we are OPEN” signs on the front footpath. I know you’re open, and so do the rats
There is a buzzer that you need to take to a counter; I am not in a place where they serve high calorie food, to engage in my love of walking.
The restaurant revolves
The toilets say Guys and Dolls, Hens and Cocks or Knights and Maidens on them
Any restaurant that claims to have the “Best Sushi and Mexican in town” will disappoint you.
The staff are wearing name badges
The staff are playing a fun name badge swapping game, when you’re a served by a 18 year old boy wearing Tiffany’s name badge, you are not going to have a 5 star experience
The staff are willing to sing Happy Birthday while wearing party hats and carrying a cake adorned with sparklers.
There is an ad on the back of the toilet door encouraging you to have your birthday there
The menu is themed. Any restaurant with Brontosaurus Burgers, Teriyaki Terradactyl Wings, Pirates Treasure Hot Pot or Thomas the Tank Engine Tuna Trains, will probably not have a hat from the good food guide.
They ask you, “So, do you know how it works here?” Which means there is some crazy ordering procedure to follow. Like, “select a meat, a sauce, a type of pasta, your favourite cheese, a selection of vegetables, your choice of 2 salads and drink, then take your tray over to Gina with your ticket, who will give your salad and drink, later on Ron will buzz you to come and get your pasta, and you’re set to go!” No thanks. If I wanted to pick out all the ingredients and then decide how they are cooked, I would have gone shopping and made myself dinner.
Traditional ethnic dancing before dessert
The dessert menu includes ice-cream and topping
Multiple signs out the front “Available for weddings, birthdays, functions”
Or “$29.50 set lunch menu” or
“The perfect placed for your next business meeting, try our conference room”
All translate into, “Please come in we are broke”.
The restaurant is owned by a D list celebrity, who is actually in the restaurant
You have to watch a show involving magic, circus, medieval jousting, Australian bush poetry or vampires.
You have to perform a murder mystery
Loud music. If your wine glass rattles to the beat of a Salt and Pepa remix, things are not looking good
If the wait staff swear or dance near you, you are in the hands of amateurs
Big fluoro lettering on the window “BEST CHICKEN PIZZA 1992” move on with your life.
If there is a TV switched on anywhere in the dining room showing sport, talent quests from Vietnam or music videos from Estonia.
Any dish that comes with a slice of orange with half a glace cherry on it equals disaster.
If they don’t ask you how you would like your steak cooked
If the waiter recites more than 6 specials. If there are more than 6 specials, perhaps they need to go on a specials menu; I can read quicker than you can speak
Yours in food,
The Lady of Nosh
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